The Answer Is Always Jesus

May 5, 2023

I love science. There is no other way to describe my feelings toward the human body and how God designed us. Science is science…it is logical, and it makes sense. Us “Type A” people can so appreciate that. Through science you can describe and prove how most things happen in the body. But we have to give credit where credit is due, God created everything that makes up science.

Being fascinated with biology led me to my career as a nurse. It was a good fit for me, and I loved being able to help people, all while working with science and how the body worked. I have always felt that my early career as a pediatric nurse taught me all that I needed to know to take care of Collin when he was sick. I was able to understand what was going on and put all the medical terms into easier words for our friends and family to take in. Working at The Cleveland Clinic allowed me to know how the health care system worked. One of our favorite outpatient oncology nurses was a longtime friend that knew Collin while he was still in my belly. It all fit…God’s plan of me becoming a nurse made complete and utter sense.

When Collin got sick, I was lucky enough to be able to step away from my nursing career to take care of him. My friends picked up my hours at the hospital so I could be at home, where my family needed me. After Collin died, I wanted to go back to nursing, but I simply couldn’t. Part of me didn’t care about labs and diagnostic tests anymore (which makes for a bad nurse). Part of me couldn’t concentrate enough to be on the unit as a safe nurse (terrible brain fog). Part of me knew that God’s journey for my nursing skills and knowledge was complete.

After we buried Collin, my body went through an unexplainable change. Where my mental and emotional status stood was one thing, I expected that to be out of sorts. Where my physical status stood was another story though. I could not have prepared myself for the changes that took their toll. It was quite overwhelming, and the easiest way I could move forward and understand what was happening was through science.

A surprising resource, Heart.org, explains, “Grief can reinforce brain wiring that effectively locks the brain in a permanent stress response, (Dr. Lisa) Shulman said. To promote healthy rewiring, people need to strengthen the parts of the brain that can regulate that response. That can involve ‘a whole range of creative and contemplative practices,’ from painting to meditation or expressions of faith.” 

Dr. Shulman goes on to explain, “Grief… is a lengthy path, marked with milestones people must face – and detours where they can get stuck.” 

From that same article found on Heart.org, Dr. Katherine Shear, professor of psychiatry at Columbia University School of Social Work in New York, calls grief “the form that love takes when someone we love dies. Grief never just goes away’, Shear said. ‘If the loss is permanent, then so is the grief, because we’re defining it as a response to loss.’ But the way people experience grief is fluid. It can shift over the course of a day or an hour. ‘It will naturally kind of surge and then recede,’ she said. ‘We sort of oscillate between confronting the pain of the loss, and then being able to kind of set it aside or compartmentalize it.’ Eventually, it can evolve to a place where it resides mostly in the background, with only occasional periods of stronger, noticeable thoughts and feelings about the person who died. And in time, people find ways to let good memories in without triggering stress.”

Grief can literally rewrite your brain wiring.

Knowing that I processed life easily through science, a friend suggested the book, The Grieving Brain. In the opening chapter, the author, Mary-Frances O’Connor, describes grief in a way that made sense to me. She told this story…Imagine that one night you go downstairs in the middle of the night to get a class of water. Usually when you move around in the dark dining room, your hip bumps into the table…no matter how careful you are. One night, on that same path, at 2 o’clock in the morning, your hip doesn’t hit the table. Confused, you flip on the light, only to notice that your dining room table has been stolen. Who steals a dining room table in the middle of the night?

That’s confusing right? Who steals a dining room table in the middle of the night? That’s how it feels to have a trauma after losing someone. The dining room table should be there. It doesn’t make sense that it’s not there, but the reality is-the table is now missing.

O’Conner goes on to describe…Every night for a month, when you walk downstairs for a glass of water, from the moment that the dining room table is gone, you expect your hip to hit the table. But it doesn’t. It still doesn’t make sense. But, after some time goes by, your brain remembers that the table isn’t there any longer. You still miss the table being there, after all, it was the most beautiful table that was your absolute favorite piece of furniture in the house. But eventually your brain rewires itself back to a new normal where your brain remembers that the table isn’t there.

The old cliché says that time heals your heart. In part, that’s true. But it’s not time that heals your heart. God heals your heart, and that takes time. Science can explain it, and it can take some time, but God heals your heart. I prayed and prayed for God’s healing. It came…it still comes. Just as Dr. Shear explains, ‘grief is fluid’. It comes and goes. Sometimes I can put my grief on a shelf and go on with my day. However, sometimes my brain kicks into the protective mode when it perceives an emotional pain is coming, and it goes into a fog. There is no predicting it.

Like many that live with a heavy grief, the changes in my brain have leaked into other parts of my biology. For me, it’s led to stomach issues. For others, grief affects their immune system. Some people have heart and lung complications. For many, their mental health suffers the most. Our individual chemistries all lead us down different paths.

I have discovered that science and my nursing skills alone cannot save me from my biological changes. I have learned that through my faith, God’s plan involves the healing of my heart, my mind, my soul, and my physical body. By following the nudges God has given me, He has steered me to an amazing therapist through Northcoast Family Foundation, a faith-based counseling center here in Northeast Ohio. He has given me the love of exercising through running. He has put people in my life that I can trust to help care for my body-my primary doctor, my GI doctor, my chiropractor.  He gave me people to encourage me to try new things like yoga. He’s given me friends that are supportive and are there every step of the way with me, no matter what. He has blessed me with a strong parish to guide my thoughts and give structure to my faith.

How do I use my faith to feel God’s nudges?

I have found that the grief fog sets in when I perceive an emotionally painful or overwhelming situation is coming. Sometimes I see it coming, sometimes I don’t. When I see it coming, I breathe in Jesus. I ask the Holy Spirit to fill my heart. And I put my thoughts and worries into God’s hands. It’s hard to let go of the control I think I have…sometimes I have to repeat to myself, “I trust you Jesus. I trust you Jesus. I trust you Jesus.” Once I let go, I find Jesus and fix my eyes on Him. When I truly let go and trust Jesus (I mean really let go, not just say it, but believe it), God guides the way.

I love science. It grounds me…it helps give order to my mind so I can process things. But as Mike has always told our kids, “The right answer is always Jesus!”

Kim Nemet