Parent Resources

There are many clichés relative to grieving. I initially despised using them, but we found there is truth behind them. I would get mad each time I had an ‘Ah-Ha’ moment in the months after Collin’s death because there was always a cliché buried somewhere that represented my feelings. I now believe there is wisdom behind those old expressions that can help one cope.

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No one wants to be known as the ‘mom whose child died’ because so many stereotypes come with that label. After Collin died, I was emotionally and mentally drained. I wanted someone to tell me how to grieve so I could “get it over with”. I thought grieving meant I had to push through until it passed, using tools to work through the pain of what life had become. Burying it would create more of a drain on my already weakened emotional and mental health. After some time, I realized instead of needing to get through it, I had to learn how to carry it with me.

Triggers may pop up everywhere, and at times may not make sense. You will miss your child in different ways.  Sometimes the physical pain of not ever hugging your little one will be unbearable. Other times you may miss hearing them laugh or tell the dumb joke that never made sense, but they loved it anyhow. What works one day to help you navigate grief may not work the next day. And you have to be okay to live in that space. Grief is messy, and in order to learn how to carry it, you have to be okay with messy and show yourself some grace.

God will help you carry the grief when it’s too heavy. It’s okay to not be okay. Please know you are not alone.

Allow the emotions to come out in tears, and let your family see those tears. Put one foot in front of the other, every day. Time is not what heals our hearts, it’s living life and learning how to carry your child with you that will heal your heart…and that takes time. Grief does not end; it becomes part of you and your new life. How you want to carry it is up to you.

Keeping busy is important, especially in the first several months because time helps heal and you begin to learn how to manage your grief. Be proud and thankful you got out of bed and got yourself ready for the day. Be excited you ate breakfast, got the mail, made it to the grocery store, etc. Living life one moment at a time is sometimes all you need to focus on to give you motivation to keep moving forward.

Surround yourself with people who support you through your journey. Live intentionally, making choices that are best for you and your family…not making choices because you ‘have to’ or ‘should’. Be honest with your friends and your co-workers. They will appreciate you letting them in, and it will help them to best support you.

Following Collin’s death, my perspective on life changed drastically. I was the same person, but I saw the world very differently. Life is too short to worry about the small stuff. Suddenly the things I used to worry about were not important anymore. Sometimes it was hard to hear other people grumble about certain things in life that didn’t compare to losing my child.

I also learned that life had to be lived one day at a time. When I looked too far into the future, I would quickly get overwhelmed and shut down. Many times, I viewed my day in chunks - morning, noon, then night.  As time went on, days turned into weeks, weeks into months, I noticed grief came in waves. I could be driving in my car, listening to the radio, windows rolled down, sun shining in, when suddenly my mind would be taken right back to a random day that we would be driving downtown for a treatment. A few minutes later, I would be jamming to the radio again. 

I encourage you to not expect to be able to completely move past your pain.  Rather, ride the waves the best you can when they roll in.”